


The Mating Habits of Cluster-Lizards

by gyromitra



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Jesse's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, M/M, Mating habits of cluster-lizards, Mention of Cannibalism, Pure Crack, based on obscure SF show, omnics in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21784882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyromitra/pseuds/gyromitra
Summary: A dead assassin, a half-lizard pleasure slave, a guy who had his hand eaten by a lizard, an Omnic head, and a cannibal walk into a bar...This is 100% crack.
Relationships: Reaper | Gabriel Reyes/Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	The Mating Habits of Cluster-Lizards

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PrettyArbitrary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyArbitrary/gifts).



Jesse almost suffered a fatal case of accidentally swallowing his own tongue when Jack slammed the Omnic head on the table, and then flopped into the chair with the overdramatic, and frustrated, urgency. Not because it had been something unexpected, the bugger just refused to wear shoes and thus moved around soundlessly, which in turn made tracking him all that harder. At least, he had compromised on the underwear: the skirt left almost nothing to the imagination, especially with his legs up on the table like they were now.

"Oh, sweet-cheeks, if you could move me closer..." This was another thing defying logic, how could a robot sound so undeniably lecherous? Jack absentmindedly turned the Omnic head around with a flick of his toes. "No, no, let me gaze at you, my beautiful sun!"

"Athena told me we've found a solar system, and it might be inhabited."

"Uh, yeah, looks like it."

With a wave, Jesse put the picture of the city on the screen. Jack slinked over the table in a blink with a singular predatory focus on his face, and practically laid on the console.

Leaning definitely too close and rubbing his hip against Jesse's side.

Adding to the general discomfort, the Omnic head gave out a long appreciative 'oh yes' ending on a breathless note while Jack, licking his lips, observed the feed with the intensity of a starving carnivore. Then came the ear-piercing screech of excitement no one remotely sane would bother to stay around long enough to hear in full. Jesse had to admit he was partially used to it and only wanted to run half the time - which probably would end very badly for him one day. Getting accustomed to cluster-lizards' screeching was unadvisable. More so, if one had lost one hand to the beasts already, but sure, Jesse would willingly give up some other limb to get out of the whole deal of being stranded in the dark sector with no foreseeable way of return.

Scratch that, the dark sector was okay by itself. Getting stranded on the same ship with a dead assassin, perverted Omnic head, and half-lizard on the prowl for a partner, or rather, the victim - that took the cake.

"We're going sightseeing!" Jack exclaimed, grabbing his arm.

"This isn't a good idea! We should wake Gabe first!"

"No, no, let's leave him, we don't want him to come. Ever." The Omnic head, snatched by Jack on the way, hurriedly rebutted him.

"At least, wear something!" Jesse protested while dragged by purposefully striding Jack.

"I'm wearing something."

"But not that!"

Jack stopped, turned, and with his head tilted to the side, fixed him with an unblinking stare.

"Is there something wrong with my clothes?"

"They are perfect, my love," the Omnic head piped in, unasked. "Just a little snip and cut, maybe."

'Everything', Jesse wanted to say - because that immodest scrap of blue fabric wrapped around Jack's hips barely qualified as clothes, not to mention the black harness framing his shoulders and chest that couldn't serve any fathomable purpose by itself except being, maybe, a fashion statement.

"Nothing," he squeaked out.

"That's what I thought."

Jack nodded and continued on the way to the dock where he finally released Jesse and climbed into the waiting drone. The Omnic head landed between his thighs, at first silent. After several seconds, it started to buzz as if short-circuiting.

Jesse counted down from ten and asked himself if he really had to do this. Then answered that yes, someone had to chaperone Jack, even if his ability to babysit someone able to scale vertical surfaces and throw objects weighing more than they did themselves was severely limited.

And that was the short story of how Jesse ended sitting in a stinking jail cell with the Omnic head whose lamenting wails he was trying really hard to tune out. The full story was a bit longer and included crashing a local wedding (the groom probably had not survived having been found in the closet with Jack by his spouse-to-be). There was also a clash with a religious institution and the intended 'virgin sacrifice' - despite the fact that using the word 'virgin' in the context of Jack seemed implausible, they probably weren't that much off. Technically. Next, someone had stolen the Omnic head. After Jesse managed to retrieve it, the local authorities became involved, and damn, if they survived all that, Jesse would very much like to invest in, or procure otherwise, the weapon they used because it had dropped Jack almost immediately amidst unholy amount of lizard screeching.

And that lead to Gabriel, who had been woken up by Athena, occupying the cell next to him, sitting awkwardly by the wall with his eyes closed and arms crossed. The fact his legs were lying in the corridor outside of the cell only intensified the awkwardness of his position.

Literally.

They even twitched once in the while. Jesse turned the Omnic head who still refused to shut up around so it faced the corner.

"Is that... you know... uncomfortable?" He waved in the general direction of the corridor.

"Dead feel no pain."

Figures.

"Can't you do, you know, your scary shadow trick?"

"There is too low diffusion of proto-blood in my body for me to make use of the shadow step abilities."

Just peachy. Jesse sighed. For now, he was stuck here with the wonderful conversational partners both the head and Gabriel were

"Listen, right? This is all Jack's fault, again, couldn't you, like... take care of that? He's rolling around like, well, unfixed cluster-lizard?"

Gabe shot him a scathing look.

"Certain physiological functions require having a functioning circulatory system. I don't have one."

Jesse mimed the rest of the usual monologue consisting of 'I am dead' to himself.

"I don't know, get creative, or something, tie something, just do something, or I'll have to even if I hate...!"

"Your dirty hand won't touch the perfection of my love!" The head decided to join in.

"Oh, fer fuck's...!" Jesse didn't finish since the door opened with a bang and Jack, twirling a ring of keys on his finger, sauntered in. There was something definitely off about him because instead of being tense like a coiled whip he was all curves and soft angles, almost gliding.

"Oh, hi Gabe," Jack mumbled in a sing-song voice and promptly unlocked the cell - ignoring both Jesse and the now frantic Omnic head calling out for its 'sweetpea'. Somewhere midway, he dropped to all-fours, slinked to Gabriel, and snuggled against him immediately. Purring.

"Is he... is he high?" Jesse asked, trying his damnedest to ignore the head while Gabriel lifted Jack's chin with one claw and observed his face intently.

"Jackie."

"Mhrrmm?"

"Jackie, legs."

"Right. A moment." The 'r' was long and rolling, and Jack slowly moved back with a hitch in his step. He grabbed the legs still lying in the corridor by the ankles and dragged them over - after which he resumed cuddling Gabe without a pause between the two actions.

"What is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing is wrong," Gabriel muttered, lining the legs against the stumps. The cut sealed nice and proper, together with the fabric, and not for the first time Jesse wondered what was up with the whole getup.

Gabriel tentatively flexed both limbs and then set himself to the gargantuan task of getting up with Jack still latched affectionately onto him. Apparently, somehow, somewhere along the way, Jack gained some qualities of a liquid, switching and melding to Gabriel's frame with alarming ease of someone at least double-jointed. With the lizard thing he had going on, it wasn't completely implausible.

"Hey, hey! Aren't you forgetting about something!?" Jesse jumped to the bars.

"No." Gabriel took the keys out of the lock and threw them to him. Jack tried lazily to snatch them out of the air. Thankfully, his reflexes seemed to lag at least one second behind everything happening. Jesse clambered after the keys, almost dropped them two times total, and immediately tried to open the cell. Past the door, he stopped, and with a heavy sigh turned back to pick up the Omnic head. It wasn't at fault today.

"Keep your filthy paws off me, you disgrace!"

Mostly.

"Shut up. Or I'll throw you into the first latrine on the way," Jesse barked at it while running after Gabe. And stopped mere millimeters shy of smacking face-first into his leather-clad back. With a certain amount of caution, Jesse leaned to the right to peer over his side. Well, he had not expected a whole welcoming party, the band which started to play some happy tune included.

"Dear esteemed guests," the big person with a frankly ridiculous hairdo full of feathers spoke, "I hope you can forgive the indignity of the incident, had we known..."

Addendum: the band tried to play a happy tune. Not one instrument worked in harmony with any of the other but together, they did manage to drown the speaker completely.

"What's going on?" Jesse hissed at Gabriel's back, only to have him turn left.

"We're leaving."

"I think he said something about a 'feast'... I could use something to eat, you know?"

"We are leaving," Gabriel, with one arm wrapped around Jack's stomach, added more forcefully - and started to walk towards his drone standing just a short distance away from the prison.

Jack, on the other hand, somehow dug his heels into the dirt and left behind grooves in it while dragged by force, almost flowing over Gabe's arm like some kind of semi-liquid putty with much too content expression on his face. He was actually wriggling his fingers at the speaking man. The speaker was now blowing kisses in their general direction. The unwelcome epiphany dawned on Jesse. Gods have mercy, he really didn't want to think about the implications.

"Okay, we are leaving, like, now, you're absolutely right."

He scurried after Gabriel trying not to look. Fitting the three of them into one drone proved slightly problematic but finally, Gabe took hold of the steering sticks however improbable the prospect of him being able to pilot with Jack splayed over him seemed to be. How was it possible for there to be this much of legs?

Jesse, squished against the glass, kicked the Omnic head lying on the floor and once again considered the clusterfuck his life had become.

Then the new sound came, one jarring deep to the core, like some poor creature in the final stages of an extremely excruciating agony.

Jesse slowly looked to the source. And then to Gabe.

Gabriel ignored his very obvious stare. At least, he managed to do so for the first several minutes. He cleared his throat audibly even if he didn't need to, and finally broke.

"It is a nesting call of a cluster-lizard."

"Wait, like..." Jesse looked at Jack with newfound fear. "Wait, like, please tell me he can't lay eggs!"

"I think you will find out."

"No, no, no, no! He's your whatever he is! You're not leaving me to deal with a cluster-lizard infestation!"

"I think you'll find a solution."

"Oh, no, I'm not going crawling through Athena's innards looking for cluster-lizards, you'll be the one doing that!"

Jack chose this moment to start on another set of 'nesting noises' rendering any further dialogue impossible, and shifted. Jesse barely avoided foot to the face. Thank gods, Gabe carried Jack off somewhere away after they docked, and left both Jesse and the Omnic head to stew in their own personal problems. At least, that's what Jesse thought until a hand with well-manicured nails on it had wrapped around his chest from behind.

Great. The cannibal woman was still alive. He forgot about her.

"I wanted to note," Moira whispered, "that we are running low on brains. That's not good. Also, what were the four of you up to now?"

"Ask him!" Jesse threw the Omnic head at her and ran for his life.

*

Two days later, Jesse just stared at Jack, who not-so-entirely down from his high yet sat at the table with one foot propped on the Omnic head, and the other swinging in front of its optic receptors.

The head either gave out disturbing kissy noises or begged to be crushed.

What actually kept Jesse focused was the pulsating with the inner light object with the circumference slightly exceeding that of the Omnic head resting on the table while Jack ate using only his fingers, as he usually did.

"Dude, like, how...?" He finally asked, eyes drifting between the egg and Jack.

"Beats me." Jack shrugged, slipping another piece of meat into his mouth. "Just woke up with it."

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely based on Lexx tv show. This show is what happens when the creators do shrooms and drop acid instead of snorting coke. No, the show is crazier.


End file.
